Keeping Secrets

I know something I shouldn't
A friend told me last week.
I promised I wouldn't say
That he was born from circus freaks

Another told me not to tell
About a problem he has
Keep it on the extreme DL
His backyard has crab grass.

Seriously, if anyone found out
About what I already know
People would totally freak out
If I knew there were real UFOs.

I'm glad you can trust me
With every secret you know
I promise not to tell your mom
You do crack and blow.

How to Rhyme

If ever your write,
A poem so grand
And can't find a word
To rhyme farband

Just make up a word,
To end the stanza
People think you're good
When really, you're blandza.

Just like last week
When I ate a large bagel
It had lots of cream cheese
but tasted like crabel.

I told me wife,
that she cooks the best
I couldn't have asked
For a better spousest.

If you even come across
A void to do nothing
Just write a poem or two
And end with rhymes, pardothing.

Haiku #10

Great minds think alike
Stupid minds also do, though
Don't party with bears.

Water in the bottle

On my desk there is a bottle.
A gallon of water

Drink it fast,
And people judge your devotion

Drink it slow,
Not so much

What is 5 trips to the bathroom this hour?
Don't judge, I drank lots.

Yesterday, I drank it slowly.
No one said a thing.

One more stanza after this,
And this poem is done. Brb, bathroom break.

......
......

The easiest thing in the world

To put in no effort,
Means your task is in vain.
Writing poems in one draft
Is so simple, it's a pain

This one in particular,
Took me only 2-3 minutes,
Anyone can do this
Not rhyming is grimmits.

How to get rid of Lime disease

We know you have it,
We all can tell pretty well.
You cannot stop drinking Sprite,
The thirst you have cannot quell

You tolerate the lemon,
You worship the lime,
It's now time for an intervention
You've bought Sprite the last time.

Batteries and Flashlights

The flashlight without a battery
Is like pork without the beans
It's like a pillow without a case,
It's like falling without a dream

Never go into a cave
With a flashlight and no batteries
Sometimes there are bears in there
To be charged with assault and battery.

Memories

Some memories are good,
Some scary

Some memories are sweet,
Others bitter.

Some memories give thought
to punch people

And some memories gave hives
From allergies

Some memories are founded
on love

Some memories are given
through digestion

With each memory brings hope
Of cookies

Never forget to remember
Memories give cookies.

The Spirit of Christmas

For Christmas I wanted to give some gifts.
A train for Cindy, and a doll for Cliff.

Two days before, the Santa man came,
I got a letter from him, that said I'm to blame

A fridge for Timmy, a boy of four
and a gun for Judy, For Mitchell, some chores?

These gifts are not good, and to think they're right,
Is a gross misunderstanding of the Christmas tree light.

I tried again, and went to the store.
Returning the items took me 2 days, plus four

I came back and gave, some presents around
To Cindy a maggot, and for Cliff, some ground.

Timmy got a bottle, full of Nyquil
And Judy got some glass, that got into, Mitchell.

The second time came, and the gift audit came out,
It turns out I give presents like a retarded fat goat.

If I'm to give presents, Saying 'no' I'll begin.
Be grateful for SOMETHING, and don't ask me again.

What ever happened to soda?

There is a war ranging on
It all started on my lawn

We even tried to ask Yoda,
Is it 'pop' or is it 'soda'?

We went to the school
And our teacher said it's cool

No matter what you say,
It is right either way.

I didn't believe her
And it started a big stir

I sooo will win in this war
It's what I'm fighting for

We went to the college
And asked professor Bidge

He told us he didn't know,
He was busy eating roe.

I then went to the state,
They told me I was too late.

I then went to the Senate
They said they'll answer around Lent

I decided to fight it out
So my buddy and I had a rout.

Naturally I'm stronger
So doubt, there is none longer.

With a headlock he said uncle
And he said 'I'm a fool'

Because you're stronger than crap
It is 'soda' and not 'pop'.

Obviously, he was from Wisconsin.

Haiku #8 and 9?

I always wear fur
It makes Hippies really mad
Also, it is warm.

Animals know it
They have the best things to wear
Also they taste good.

When in Rome

Whenever you're in Rome
And you need a home
Don't ask a gnome
Because he's stoned.
Also, they're not from there.

Don't be sad

Don't be sad,
For me, or for trees

Don't be sad,
For us, on the bus

Don't be sad,
For the driver, or the deer

Be sad for the Winter,
For being responsible, and who has no money to pay for damages.

Do you ever

Did you ever want to lie?
To gamble or to cry?

Did you ever want to yell?
In public, or Seattle?

Don't. It's rude.

Every single time.

Every single time I sing,
A bird comes in and joins along.
Every time I do a dance,
A faint breeze joins in the throng

Every single time I see
Happy angels come and give no fuss
Every time I cry out loud
Everyone says I'm such a wuss.

If a walrus was in charge

If a walrus was in charge,
We'd have no bananas
If a walrus was in charge,
We'd never wear pajamas

If a walrus was in charge
We'd only live in cold
If a walrus was in charge
We'd be fat, I was told

If a walrus was in charge,
We'd never play football
If a walrus was in charge,
We'd never fit in a hall.

If a walrus was in charge,
Forests we would shun,
If a walrus was in charge,
Our sentences would be "UNH UNH UNH!"

Asposta

I wish I knew what I was asposta do.
Am I asposta lap it up, am I asposta chew?

Am I asposta walk it or run it?
Asposta triple jump it or galumph it?

Am I asposta jump real high,
asposta duck down low, or down to lie?

I think I'm asposta write it well
Asposta spell it right, so at me, you won't yell

Made up word poem #2

Har spoo lo fritches walg.
Gristoo bal crabgeous stee
Gralch, to listee whigh
Forg bloo, rychistous, ree.

How to be rich

There really is no secret,
To be rich, or to be wise
It all come from hard work
And to have many friends that despise

The easiest way by far,
No reason to look in a ditch
Just have a parental unit
That gives you the first name of Rich.

My Dear Friend

I had a dear friend,

They always played
They always strayed
They were always loyal
Their were fun to boil
They were fun to eat
Nothing's better then venison meat

I miss my deer friend.

Time Sensitive

One hour to go:
The blankets I have thrown

45 minutes until:
The cold shower give me a chill

Half an hour has passed:
My car is out of gas

15 minutes till show time:
I'm still left crying

5 minutes till late
My car I'm starting to hate

1 minute till I'm to be there
I go back and sit on my chair.

Looks like today,
I'll go without my back-hair shave.

How to win at stuff

If you always lose at games,
If you always lose the dames,
If you never win the fame
or if you never picture the frame.

You'll always come in last,
Because you're not as fast.
You'll always want to sass
And just sit on the wet grass

I have a secret to win
It's not to have extra fins
It's almost having nice rims,
But its just to practice more.

The perfect food

If I could lose a million pounds
I would do it with tacos,
with cookies or Mounds.

If I could grow another 6 feet
I would eat only fish-sticks,
cereal, and meat.

I tried it one time and failed miserably.
I got even fatter,
and got stuck in a tree.

Then I read about a man, who was just as me
Who only ate a potato,
20 times, or 23.

He lost it all, a million pounds in a week,
Now Ireland is pissed,
'not again you freak.'

My favorite hero

There is one that stands out,
Both smart and devout.
He sees what no one sees
He knows all the Jeopardies.

He pronounces with flair,
I just want to breathe his air.
He's just as old as time
And young as shower grime

He has perfect mustached hair
And is always in my prayer
That before I go to heck,
I must meet, Alex Trebek.

Frozen Yogurt

If you've ever been out to sea,
wanting freedom, or wanting a boat,
The ocean is where you find it

If you've even been in the sky,
Wanting adventure, wanting a plane,
The atmosphere is where you find it.

If you've ever been in love
Wanting acceptance, wanting peace
Then a spouse is where you find it.

If you've ever been to Fat camp,
Wanting skinny, wanting control,
Then you'll need to exercise.

Lights

I like lights that go
on, off, on, off, on, off.

I saw a light go
on, off, on, off, on, off

I had a seizure.
oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

Do you know what?

Do you know what?
Is it nice? is it true?

Do you know what?
is it happy? is it blue?

Do you know what?
Does it know, me and you?

I know what.
He's a good friend. I sat next to him in math class.

Happiness

Do you ever wonder sometimes
About life, about things?

Some are prophetic,
Some great, some pathetic . . .

Do you ever wonder sometimes
About what is good? what is sane?

I wondered one time
Then I woke up, fat and lame.

Why El Oso? Why?

El Oso, El Oso,
Why dost thou persecutest me so.
I write, I try, but everything is too low

I wish some day, to write something
To make you smile, or to make you sing

Turns out sometimes, nothing can be done.
So you try it. Gol. I sit here and just suck at poems (on purpose) Geez. What on earth do you want from me?

Haiku #7

Why do I like cheese?
It makes me gain lots of weight
Because I can't poo.

Word wheel #1

Worm Farm Animal Planet Earth Day Light Speed Test Drive By George Washington Post Card Shark Tank Tops Down Town Car Payment Information Technology Sector Nine Thirty Rock Band Together Forever Young Blood Sports Injury Law School Library Book

The old man and the beard

I knew an old man, Nice as could be
Never got mad and very easy to please

One day I tried, tried to clean my teeth
The old man had an idea, to help me in my feat

He said take my beard, gnaw with all your might
Use my beard for floss, for teeth, clean and bright.

What NOT to do

Make sure you don't lie,
or eat chicken that is fried.
Make sure to look both ways
And never offend the gays
Make sure to use a laser
And be judicious with your taser
Never tip too low
And never partake of blow

Forget all your worries
And don't throw away your Furby's
Stay away from poison
And please stay out of prison
The best advice, now hear
Ignore it and despair
If you touch the remote again,
I will seriously lose it. I'm not even joking. I'm sick of watching soap operas. Change it back to Spongebob, or I'll eat all of your cereal. I'm so not even joking.

Awkward Ninjas

I knew a couple of women
That really knew how to kill
Always they would win with ease
Just like running a drill.

Most people just let them win
Which is why they won with ease
You really did feel sorry for them
Cause they were Siamese.

Haiku #6

Why do you smell good?
Is it because you shower?
Oh, that's someone else.

The made up word poem#1

Fliggle to brig tiggle
Flout groud mcdout
Wrat sprig to piggle
Robnut trosh stopout

Driphow frot ro still?
Nobblet grats quacrow?
Lobbrud vel extrail
Gandool . . . raz buquo.

Waffles and Cheese

Many people wonder, why I like waffles and cheese,
It's not so hard to fathom, it's far better than disease

I eat them four times a week, sometime even more
Looks like i'm outta waffles, better go get some more.

Alphabet #2

A is for always which is where time is at
B is for beyond or what doesn't exist past infinity
C is for clear wich is absence of anything
D is for divided which is a line between what is.
E is for everything which is impossible to fathom
F is for forever which is outside time's dimension
G is for Galaxy, something rather small within significance
H is for heliocentric which is far from accurate 'universally'
I is for 'is this poem gonna end soon?
Y is for 'yes, it is'
Z is for zoinks. I dunno why.

November

Today is November,
Time to jump and cheer
This month we eat dinners
With applesauce and beer
Never whine about November,
Because if you do
Trolls will came and take you
And put you in their brew.

Today is November
Time to skip and hoot
Soon we'll be eating meat
And cleaning chimneys of soot
November is the last month
With money in our wallet
December will so be here
To empty all our pockets

Forget you December
You make all us poor
Who cares about the kids
Presents come from lore
Buy your own friggin gifts
And give them all to me
I've given you all too much
Nothing is ever free

(Except you wife, I'll give you something. )

Casey at the Bat

Casey was once at the bat,
And liked to hit the ball,
He was the best player there was,
He made other teams bawl.

One time he did strike out,
in a cloud of dust,
Thayer would write his story,
Of his huge disgust.

After that he got a job,
Working in a shop,
He started fixing cars,
With his old pop-pop.

One time he broke his leg,
Changing a simple tire,
His manager cried negligence,
And soon he got fired.

With no job he started crack,
Then became a dealer,
When he ran out of stuff,
He then became a stealer.

He got caught and thrown in jail,
And had a roommate who stabbed,
He was a wuss and couldn't defend,
He wished he didn't get nabbed.

He then died old, lame and blue,
Never returned to fame,
Imagine where he could have been,
But Thayer is the one to blame.

Paper Towel Dispenser Emergency Feed

My spleen and brain have ruptured
All the Walmart's have closed
Mutated alligators run rampant
And no one here has clothes

Nuclear bombs are coming in
All the aliens have landed
Everyone's food has been eaten
And Gilligan's pals are stranded.

What can we do, it all looks grim
We all want to be freed
Someone go into the bathroom,

And pull the emergency feed.

Haiku #5

I use nail clippers
For getting rid of nail excess
Hammers bang them in

Batteries, bubblegum & glue

Today is my birthday,
I got some presents too
My favorites included batteries, bubblegum and glue.

With the batteries I put them in
The TV remote control
The bubblegum I gave it to an acne ridden troll

The glue I kept myself
And locked inside m'room
I ate the whole bucket of it, even without a spoon.

Perspective

If bad means good,
Then you're a stupid piece of loser juice
That needs to crawl in a hole a die.
Eat your spleen and acne pus
And rip your face off with chopsticks.
Throw yourself in the trashcan,
Staple yourself to the wall,
Jump inside a blender,
And eat razor blades till you explode.


I love you, honey .

Flat Rootbeer

I love rootbeer,
It is so yummy.
Give me that rootbeer over there
Thanks, now I'll drink it.
It doesn't have any fizzle,
Now I am ashamed.
My life has no meaning.
Dang it. Thanks for nothing.

The cubicle

I was sitting in a cubicle, talking on the phone.
I then started eating syrup, cause I was all alone.
Then something happened, it made my boss disgusted,
I fell back on my chair, the cubicle then was busted.

Eating kittens

My favorite food is kittens.
I love that they are so gamy.
I eat their heads, I eat their eyes
Sometimes I forget that some are alive.

Haiku #4

I drink water lots

I drank a gallon one day

It made me pee clear.

Spam (the email kind)

I went to my spam, and it asked if I wanted a job

It asked if I wanted a woman

and it asked if I needed a credit card.

It asked if I needed enhancement

food, help, or money

A guy in Nigeria owed me money

And my secret love wanted to meet me.

I have a job, I have a woman

And credit cards are stupid

Enhancement doesn’t work,

I have enough food, help, and washingtons

Nigeria is way too far away

And I have my wife… That’s not a secret.

The Walrus and the Carpenter

Once there was a walrus,

He needed to build a house.

He only had fat flippers

And a bad case of the gout

A carpenter came up to him

and asked if he could stay

The walrus said he had no house,

So the carpenter couldn’t play.

The carpenter then said something

That the walrus couldn’t believe

He said he could build a house

But because he was such a jerk he said he wouldn’t. (Also, he had no boards)

The Alphabet #1

A is for Author, the guy writing this poem

B is for Ben, the name of the author

C is for crappy, the style of this poem

D is for the grade I’d get if I turned this in at school

E is for Mrs Ellis, the teacher I turned this in to,

F is for the grade she almost gave me, but I cried and she had mercy

G is for glad, the feeling I felt after that happened

H is for happy, which is less than glad

I is for igloo, the house I never lived in

J is for ‘just joking’ I live in one last year

K is for klown, the way I used to spell it

L is for laugh, or what kids did when I spelled it wrong

M is for mistake, the thing I made when I spelled the real word wrong.

N is for ‘no this has nothing to do with what you’ve been talking about’

O is for ‘oh, I’m sorry, I’ll get back on track then’

P is for Poem, or the original thing we were talking about

Q is for quit, or what I’ll do after the z letter

R is for rhombus, cause I saw one today just before I turned in the poem

S is for soup, or what we were eating when I told my mom I got a D

T is for ticked off because my mom was that .

U is for ‘upstairs’ because that is where my room is that my mom told me to go to

V is for volume because my mom’s voice had that

W is for ‘why didn’t I just use ‘voice’ in the previous thing for ‘v”

X is for x-ray, because it always just is.

Y is for ‘you better stop writing this poem’

Z is for ‘zzz’ cause that is what you’re all saying, even though snoring sounds more like ‘kkkkkgoooh kkkkgggooooh’ which has no z’s in it.

Haiku #3

Please say no to drugs

They will harm you and kill you

Also, those are mine.

The cat named mittens

I had a cat named mittens

Last night it had a dozen kittens

I clapped my hands, I jumped for joy,

Then I winced my face,

Cause mittens is a boy.

Learn about grass

I went to my yard,

I started my lawnmower.

After a couple of minutes,

I started to cower.

A big fat dude,

with a suitcase in his hand,

came up to me,

and stabbed me in the face.

Going to sleep

I’m about to go to sleep,

I close my eyes . . . tired.

I go to bed . . . forgetting to open my eyes.

I hit my foot

I swear, I curse, I bleed.

I don’t clean it up.

I scare my wife, who thinks I got murdered.

I didn’t, I just bled a lot.

I still don’t clean it up.

We all get hepatitis.

Haiku # 2

Holy crap that smells

Get it out of my bathroom

It is a dwarf poo.

Haiku #1

Don’t smack the grandma

She will throw sticks at your face

But she has no arms.

Eating lots of stuff

I admit I like to eat spam

I admit I like to eat ham

I admit I like to eat turkey

I know it does sounds a little quirky.

I admit I like to dine on oats,

French fries apples and billy goats.

One time I ate a snail

It made me want to ride a whale.

Sometimes when I’m sad I eat

Pretzels crackers and shredded wheat.

Don’t judge me or I’ll eat you

Boil you up into my stew.

The hippo and the acorn

The hippo was a guy,

Who liked to go and dive,

He went in the river,

And had a large liver,

Like the acorn that gave people sty’s.

Living and Love

I’ll live.

Like a bird.

And a kite,

Flying….Believing.

Love, is a tape dispenser.

Sticky, and sweet.

Love me, love the wind, love

Eternity is a basket.

Woven with age, effort, and wicker.

Stop believing, enter progression

die.

What we do

This is a horrible blog. Basically what I do is . . . write bad poetry. For me, it is making fun of the literature, making fun of people that think they’re good, and welcome anyone to do the same. This isn’t just me. It’s everyone that wants to contribute.

I don’t know when I discovered my gift of horrible poetry, but I guess it started when I didn’t even try. All I did was sit on my keyboard and these gems came out. I thought it would be a good idea to share my love for laziness and procrastination with the world. After all, a regular guy once said:

Trying is for people,

who want to do their best,

Except when they don’t do well,

Their trying is then . . . not worth anything.