Gumbo

I got this bowl of goo today
I didn't know what it was.
I tried to replicate the recipe,
To make this bowl of scuzz.

I tried lots of combinations
The recipe I now know
Blend two parts baby giraffe
And 1 part small Disney elephant.

THAT (funny?) guy.

Every knows that guy
Who tries to be funny
He tries to tell jokes all day
While we are playing Rummy

None of us laugh,
It's really uncomfortable
He doesn't seem to get it
He needs to shut up with no trouble.

He seems to get it now
but still goes on trying.
It's getting to the 'sad' stage now
He's a loser, I'm not lying.

I like to think of myself,
The guy that knows when to stop.
Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable,
...... I'll just stop now. I can't think of a good punchline.

Post-it notes

Post-it notes are handy.
I write a lot of stuff on them
To remind me what I need to do, to learn, to implement, to study.

Post-it notes are colorful
So many personalities
They are funny, sticky, happy, and useful.

Post-it notes are tasty.
I put them in my tiramisu.
I saw that word on the Food network, thought I'd use it in a poem.

Watching TV

I watched TV for an hour today,
Not sure what I saw.
I think I laughed a couple of times
Saw a commercial for a bra.

The rest is all a blur for me
It's now a quarter to 10.
Not much brain activity goes on
Watching Two and a Half Men.

Birthdays

I just had a birthday,
I turned one-hundred and eight.
I blew out a 12th of the candles,
A morsel of of cake, I ate.

How many more of these birthdays
Am I going to have already!
I'm one-hundred and EIGHT for sure
I've wanted to go since Eighty!

Making Delicious Food

There are many things I like,
Like flowers, newborns and fudge
Mixing them all up together
Tastes like rancid acne-juice sludge.

Religion poem

Some people believe in God,
Some people believe in Dogs.
Some people want to be saved
Some people to have no grave

Some people think about things
Some people in Heaven want wings
Some people want to cross a bridge
Some people in Hell want a fridge

Most people worship TVs
Most people save Reece's
Most people don't know
That I like to throw snow.

The End.

Haiku #15

Hooray for Swingsets
They are really fun to me
Except I'm 30.

Alphabet #3

A is for 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' Or the sound I made when I jumped out of the airplane
B is for 'Bowels,' or what released once I found out my parachute didn't work
C is for 'crap' or what I said and released on the way down.
D is for 'dream' or what I wished I had, but I didn't wake up with the falling feeling
E is for 'earth' or what is coming up quickly.
F is for the 'F' word, or what I was wanting to say but didn't because that wouldn't have been a nice last word to say.
G is for 'God' or whom I might meet soon
H is for 'height of 18,000 feet' or the amount of space I have to think about what to do
I is for 'idea' cause now I have one
J is for 'jacket' or what I'm about to take off
K is for 'kite' or what I might want to make the jacket into to make it so I don't fall so fast
L is for 'little' for the amount of time I have.
M is for 'Monkey' or what I looked like trying to take of the jacket
N is for 'Now I have it! I'll just aim for the mashed potato mountain!!'
O is for 'One mile away' or how far  it was from me at this point
P is for 'pavement, or what I hit instead'
Q is for 'quickly' or how long it took me to not live anymore.
R is for 'really no point in continuing, you know the end of the story. It didn't work. The mashed potato mountain was actually a low-lying cloud.'

What's wrong with people?!

I walk into a room,
And everybody screams
I then go to the store,
People shun me, it seems

I called my neighbor,
to see what's the matter.
She quickly jumped from the window
And on the ground, she did splatter

Depressed, I went back home
And took a look in the mirror.
I had a huge zit on my face,
I then died, from the terror.

April's Fool

I walked out side my house today,
And was hit by a cream pie
I went to work with a nice suit,
It got ruined with tie-dye.

I ate lunch with four buddies
2 of them changed religion
That's not so bad itself,
But they threw me in a dungeon.

Just before I clock out,
My manager says to me
You're getting kinda fat for this,
Clean out your desk and leave

On my way home today
I went to binge on fast food
I ordered my food and paid,
And found out my wife's a dude.

I wasn't feeling very good
About this day at all
stupid April, stupid fools,
revenge will come - in the fall.

Mtire

I didn't sleep well last night,
Mtire

Spongbob's not on,
Mbore.

McDonalds is closed,
Mungry

I face was burned as a kid,
Mugly.

I was robbed on the street,
Mpor.

So it doesn't matter if McDonalds is closed because I was robbed and don't have money.
Mwakhom.

Remember When

Remember when it happened this way
When it should have happened THIS way?
Well, it happened this way
When I told you it should have happened THIS way.

Now that it has happened this way,
So and so is expecting it to happen THIS way.
Happening this way isn't what he was expecting.
Next time, make sure it happens THIS way.

The Truth Doesn't Listen

I learned my lesson, long ago.
Actually, only in the last 10 minutes.

My lesson was to never diet,
Actually it was to diet sometimes.

Then I learned how awesome I am
Except when I'm in the company of terrorists.

I told everyone that I didn't eat the yogurt
When I merely absorbed it with diffusion

I told everyone that I was immovable,
But just this morning I walked to the shower

I told everyone that I was clear-minded
When actually my brain is full of grey matter.

I also assumed people knew my name
But I wasn't wearing my name-tag at the seminar.

It turns out that you should tell the truth
Except when the truth won't listen.

Being sick

I've been sick for a while.
I'm not in denial
My face is on fire
Don't call me a liar

I have real bad gas
I was told by my lass
My ears might explode
My skin is like a toad.

My eye is all puffy
My nose is all stuffy
My joints ache like heck
My cars in a wreck

That last part doesn't matter
That my car is now splattered
Cause I'm talking 'bout how I'm sick
Not my car's plight, that was a trick.

Haiku #14

You know what I like?
Ice cream with spinach and nails
On second thought-------gross.

How To Fix A Rebel

I admit it I like stuff
I like to play rough
Fighting isn't enough
I also grow some scruff

My mom wants me to change
But I'll be at the firing range
I know I look strange
Sorry my name is 'Grange'

I should not be so sick
Cause people say I'm a prick
Maybe listen to LDS music
I learn some magic trick

I'm sure I'll do something
To make my mom grin
Go to a class called 'spin'?
Nah, forget it.

Motivation

I really want to win this race
I trained for 5 minutes a day
I'm sure I can run real fast
I hope to win first place

The trick I used to train real hard
Was not to eat a log,
But to have something chase me fast
A rabid, on-fire, dog.

Writing on stuff

I have a dry erase marker
It smells really strong
I don't know how to write with it
And I'm totally erasing wrong

I spit on it and squirted it
To blot my mistake out.
I didn't know it was dry erase
Now my life is in doubt.

My Philosophies #1

If you're ever asked to eat something
-Make sure it's not poison
 -Unless you already did and are okay with it

If you're ever told to jump off a cliff
 -Make sure you're not by one
  -Unless the person that told you to do so deserves a shove

If you're ever asked to apologize

 -Make sure it was something bad

  -Unless you get paid for taking the rap for someone. And it's enough to get a TV from it. 

If you ever are asked to babysit
 -Make sure they pay you a fair share
  -Unless you can get more from the sale of the baby

Forgiveness

I'm sorry I threw the refrigerator out,
And threw some dog guts at the spout.

Sorry I arranged a marriage for Spock
Changed a tire, but took out the shocks.

Sorry I blamed global warming on your Dad,
Cut down a tree with a fish, that was real bad.

Sorry I frisbee-d your fine china in France
I wanted to win a bet, I took a bad chance

I sniffed some markers, till I got high
Went to church naked, and slapped someone's thigh.

I also broke wind, in my job interview
He coughed and choked, on his own spew.

I try really hard, this weekend wasn't bliss
Even though I'll do it again, I need your forgiveness.

The World and Outer Space

Many people think,
That they are not an astronaut
That they cannot go to space
And from above see the human race

Hello, the Earth is in Space already,
Just go outside and look up
It's a giant window out the side
So hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.

How to Waste Money

Wasting money is not hard
So put down your guard
Making your money charred
Is buying with a credit card.

How to Waste Time

You can waste time
You don't have to rhyme
It doesn't cost a dime
Just go and ring a chime
Do it all the time
Until you're arrested for a crime

Lost in the forest

I am lost amongst the trees
I can't see a thing.
The sun is not shining
My ears have a ring

I don't know where I am
I'll walk till I do
I feel like I'm going in circles
I yell for my friend Stu.

It's getting old now,
I really need a map.
I find one on my rear,
It says: "You are Here" ------->