I know the muffin man

I know the muffin man,
His name is Nigel
He gives me muffins today
Because that is his goal.

One day I ate a piece
It tasted like it smelled
Like a giant blueberry delight
So good that I yelled.

He told me to stop it,
Cause I was being loud.
I said he should just shut up
So I was beaten by a crowd.

I don't go back anymore
So I tried to make my own
I wasn't successful at it
The proportion I had blown. ....... it.....out of.
Pin It

What's the big deal?!

So I took an extra cookie,
What's the big deal?
I then went to the store and took a small grape,
What's the big deal?
I then took a man's credit card,
What's the big deal?
I used it to by a car,
What's the big deal?
I tied up a dude, to take his yacht,
What's the big deal?
I then burned down a Walmart to get some free TV's
What's the big deal?
I then ran naked all over the state shooting a bunch of moose,
What's the big deal?
I was read my Miranda rights,
Is this a big deal?
I then was sentence to 3 decades in jail,
Yeah, that's a big deal.
I told the judge I wanted,
To make him a deal
I said I'd give him magic beans for my freedom
He said okay.

My Dream Last Night #1

In the middle of the night last night,
I was wrestling a bear.
I then was in a tree,
That with his claws did tear.

I ran down a tube,
Full of fluorescent lights
Then I was in Switzerland
My wife was wearing tights.

Walking down a sideways wall
The bear came back again
I couldn't figure out his name,
So I just called him 'Lame'

The next Tuesday,
it was summer
I ate a dollhouse
And became a drummer

I wasn't very good at it
And the bear ripped my face
I tackled him and fought him well
And choked him with some lace

He died, but came back to life
It freaked me out real bad
So I challenge him to a duel
With lightsabers which made him sad

Doesn't really matter, though
Cause then I was a hero
I showed everyone my badge
To convince them I'm not a zero

They totally bought it
And that made me glad
Cause actually I was a fraud
Don't tell them, they'll be mad

Coming down from the hill
My pants were off in class
My teeth fell out which sucked real bad
I replaced them with some brass

Dreams are weird they screw you up
The whole day it's a bother
At least when I choked the bear
It wasn't my pillow..... Just my brother

Don't Golf Today

I got a new set of clubs,
I'm so excited to use them.
They're not the kind you hit stuff with
Those are for the cavemen.

They are totally golf ones,
And are nice and shiny and new.
I'm going to the golf course
To see if my drive is true

I know it's midnight,
But I can really see.
But each time I smack the club
I couldn't ever hit the green

In fact, I couldn't hit the fairway
The sandtrap, or the trees.
Wth is happening here?
I thought I would have some glee!

I cannot golf today,
Maybe in 3 months I'll try
Turns out it's hard to golf
With snow 3 feet high

Similie #3

I slept like a baby last night... that was hungry, on a bed of nails, at a rock concert, in a winter storm, outside, with gang members having a turf war across the street, and with a full diaper.

To play drums or peel oranges?

I woke up this morning, wondering how to win
Shall I play the drums, and get good at them, Jim?

"No you should not. That's a stupid thing to do,
You suck at rhythm, and you'll turn us all blue."

'Okay, I said to him, while shutting the door hinge,
I'll go right ahead, and peel this ripe orange'



See that? I rhymed with orange!

Water bottles and cuss words

I fill my water bottle up
Only after walking for miles
Once I get to my drinking fountain,
I say cuss words because it's out.