Keeping Secrets

I know something I shouldn't
A friend told me last week.
I promised I wouldn't say
That he was born from circus freaks

Another told me not to tell
About a problem he has
Keep it on the extreme DL
His backyard has crab grass.

Seriously, if anyone found out
About what I already know
People would totally freak out
If I knew there were real UFOs.

I'm glad you can trust me
With every secret you know
I promise not to tell your mom
You do crack and blow.

How to Rhyme

If ever your write,
A poem so grand
And can't find a word
To rhyme farband

Just make up a word,
To end the stanza
People think you're good
When really, you're blandza.

Just like last week
When I ate a large bagel
It had lots of cream cheese
but tasted like crabel.

I told me wife,
that she cooks the best
I couldn't have asked
For a better spousest.

If you even come across
A void to do nothing
Just write a poem or two
And end with rhymes, pardothing.

Haiku #10

Great minds think alike
Stupid minds also do, though
Don't party with bears.

Water in the bottle

On my desk there is a bottle.
A gallon of water

Drink it fast,
And people judge your devotion

Drink it slow,
Not so much

What is 5 trips to the bathroom this hour?
Don't judge, I drank lots.

Yesterday, I drank it slowly.
No one said a thing.

One more stanza after this,
And this poem is done. Brb, bathroom break.

......
......

The easiest thing in the world

To put in no effort,
Means your task is in vain.
Writing poems in one draft
Is so simple, it's a pain

This one in particular,
Took me only 2-3 minutes,
Anyone can do this
Not rhyming is grimmits.

How to get rid of Lime disease

We know you have it,
We all can tell pretty well.
You cannot stop drinking Sprite,
The thirst you have cannot quell

You tolerate the lemon,
You worship the lime,
It's now time for an intervention
You've bought Sprite the last time.

Batteries and Flashlights

The flashlight without a battery
Is like pork without the beans
It's like a pillow without a case,
It's like falling without a dream

Never go into a cave
With a flashlight and no batteries
Sometimes there are bears in there
To be charged with assault and battery.

Memories

Some memories are good,
Some scary

Some memories are sweet,
Others bitter.

Some memories give thought
to punch people

And some memories gave hives
From allergies

Some memories are founded
on love

Some memories are given
through digestion

With each memory brings hope
Of cookies

Never forget to remember
Memories give cookies.

The Spirit of Christmas

For Christmas I wanted to give some gifts.
A train for Cindy, and a doll for Cliff.

Two days before, the Santa man came,
I got a letter from him, that said I'm to blame

A fridge for Timmy, a boy of four
and a gun for Judy, For Mitchell, some chores?

These gifts are not good, and to think they're right,
Is a gross misunderstanding of the Christmas tree light.

I tried again, and went to the store.
Returning the items took me 2 days, plus four

I came back and gave, some presents around
To Cindy a maggot, and for Cliff, some ground.

Timmy got a bottle, full of Nyquil
And Judy got some glass, that got into, Mitchell.

The second time came, and the gift audit came out,
It turns out I give presents like a retarded fat goat.

If I'm to give presents, Saying 'no' I'll begin.
Be grateful for SOMETHING, and don't ask me again.

What ever happened to soda?

There is a war ranging on
It all started on my lawn

We even tried to ask Yoda,
Is it 'pop' or is it 'soda'?

We went to the school
And our teacher said it's cool

No matter what you say,
It is right either way.

I didn't believe her
And it started a big stir

I sooo will win in this war
It's what I'm fighting for

We went to the college
And asked professor Bidge

He told us he didn't know,
He was busy eating roe.

I then went to the state,
They told me I was too late.

I then went to the Senate
They said they'll answer around Lent

I decided to fight it out
So my buddy and I had a rout.

Naturally I'm stronger
So doubt, there is none longer.

With a headlock he said uncle
And he said 'I'm a fool'

Because you're stronger than crap
It is 'soda' and not 'pop'.

Obviously, he was from Wisconsin.

Haiku #8 and 9?

I always wear fur
It makes Hippies really mad
Also, it is warm.

Animals know it
They have the best things to wear
Also they taste good.

When in Rome

Whenever you're in Rome
And you need a home
Don't ask a gnome
Because he's stoned.
Also, they're not from there.

Don't be sad

Don't be sad,
For me, or for trees

Don't be sad,
For us, on the bus

Don't be sad,
For the driver, or the deer

Be sad for the Winter,
For being responsible, and who has no money to pay for damages.

Do you ever

Did you ever want to lie?
To gamble or to cry?

Did you ever want to yell?
In public, or Seattle?

Don't. It's rude.

Every single time.

Every single time I sing,
A bird comes in and joins along.
Every time I do a dance,
A faint breeze joins in the throng

Every single time I see
Happy angels come and give no fuss
Every time I cry out loud
Everyone says I'm such a wuss.