Spanksgiving day Poem

It's now time to think Thanksgiving,
The best time of year
We drink a lot of turkey juice
And eat a lot of beer

We gather round the table,
And say for what, we have thanks
I said I liked my new pets,
Which were 5 giant snakes

When my mom found out I had them,
She crazied-out, unforgiving,
I'll never forget that year,
I had my first 3-hour Spanksgiving

Spiders and Webs

I am a spider today
I spin webs, get bugs, and sit.
As a spider today,
That's all I do...

Kinda of a sucky life
Now that I think of it
Just do three things
Wait, four, I die too.

In 5 minutes time

In exactly 5 minutes,
The workday is done.
I'll clock out of here,
And head all the way home

I'll watch a TV show,
I'll perhaps eat some snow,
I'll go to bed soon,
And to it all again.

But then the world exploded.

The worst Halloween Poem ever

Halloween Spalloween
You think you're so scary

Halloween Schmaloween
You're actually quite contrary

Halloween Galloween
With death and gore you're obsessed

Halloween Blaggosmickerweeen
But you also dress up as a princess?

Why fishing sucks so bad.

This poem has been submitted ala Chris Hupp: 


I like fish

It tastes gross
It smells gross
It looks gross

I don't like fish, but fishing is fun

Babies

Babies have diapers,
they have faces,
and stare.


Babies don't know things,
like math, geography,
or Cher

Ding!
My alarm goes off

Ring!
My buddy is calling me

Cha Ching!
He wants money.

Sting!
I put him down for being poor

Bling!
I shine him my gold chain

Cling!
He does to me because he's lonely

Budum Ching!
It's a joke--I don't have gold chains ....... or money .........or friends

Two things at once

Try to focus,
Try all you can
When you do two things at once, my friend
Occasionally you make Spam.

I tried one time to write and sing
To light and swing, but my arm it stings.

Another time I tried to jump
I fell on my rump, right on a stump

Twice I ran, kicked a man,
He shot my mam, and now I'm remorseful about that.

The Worst Poem Ever

Hurry and run

It's a big dog

Go really fast

Wait, it's a pig. 

Hamburgers

I love to eat hamburgers,
Not the kind you think.
I enjoy most with buns,
ketchup, and meat.

'Well duh' You're thinking,
There is no other kinds
That is actually true.
Sorry for the confusion.

Haiku #17

Do you like rap songs?
I did once, but then I found
Presents needed wrap.

Cereal is AWESOME

Coco Crisp, Honeycomb and Cap'n crunch
The best things to happen since lunch

Fiber, Bran and Wheatabix,
Shoot me in the face to bits.

Gimme the stuff with marshmallows
To avoid all the he**noes.

Customer Service

We pretend we like you,
We pretend we care.
When you are mean,
You get nowhere.

When we call in
You demand a wish
No wonder we're mad
You speak no English

Both sides hate life,
Both sides are nervous
No one wins
Trying to give Customer Service

Haiku #16

Ever want a wife?
But you are fat and smelly?
Too bad I got her!

The horse and the Spy

A horse and a spy,
Were actually quite spry.

The horse was a nematode
The spy was a regular toad.

The horse's life was grim
Cause the Spy ate him.

Toads eat nematodes*

*This has not been evaluated by the FDA.

The deeper meaning of life

I love it when you look that way'

I love it when you take away

I love it when you give me hay,

Cause we're horses here to stay.

This isn't a love poem

This isn't a love poem,
This isn't a hate one either
This is a poem of nothing
So sit and take a breather.

I wonder

I wonder why we live, why we die, why we eat.

I wonder who we are, who we marry, what we ate.

I wonder how we live, how we lived and how we poke

I wonder why on this cinnamon roll, I did choke.

*cough,
*die
*stick out tongue
*gurgle
*put x's on eyes
*get embalmed
*have funeral
*jump up because of some nerve misfires
*scare grandma
*she dies
*sticks out tongue
*gurgles
*gets embalmed
*just has a normal funeral
*everyone eats potatoes
*no one chokes
*story ends.

Sharing, Sharing

As kids we learned,
That sharing was fun
We gave and were praised
Especially by nuns.

As we got older we learned
To ask kids to share
When we did we were praised
As good parents for sure.

The truth it it sucks
Sharing leaves us in duress
It's not nice to do
If I now have less

Funny Poetry

I'm sure poems exist
That make one laugh real hard

I'm sure jokes exist,
That make sensitives cry

I'm sure there's a solution
To everyone's problems

If laughter is the best medicine,
Then I overdosed.

One bottle of pop

One bottle of pop
Two bottles of pop
Three bottles of pop
You're getting fat.

Five bottles of pop
Six bottles of pop
Seven bottles of pop
You popped.

WHAT IS THIS?!

I came home today, to find the house all clean
WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!

I left work today, so see I got paid
WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?!

I went to Wendy's to get a Frosty
WHY DID YOU GIVE ME TWO??!

I went to anger management
I FOUND OUT I YELL FOR STUPID REASONS!

One Dollar

There are a lot of things I can do
For one dollar

There are a lot of things I won't do
For one dollar.

I would write a poem
Sit on a throne
Eat an ice cream cone
Give you a loan
-For one dollar

I won't eat a salad
Write a ballad
Have a fine palate
Raise shallots
-For one dollar

Pizza is delicious.

I ordered a pizza today,
I thought it was quite yummy,
So yummy in fact,
I bought another for my tummy

The second one's gone,
It is quite delish,
I think I'll get a third,
And put in on my dish

The third one is just as great
It is all over my face.
Perhaps four isn't enough,
I'll buy my own pizza place.

I eat every pizza that comes,
I have made no money.
Until a TV guy came in
And thought the sight was quite funny

He gave me millions of dollars
To show how I can eat.
Man v Food guy,
Every time, you, I will beat.

Turns out I put crack in my pizza
And it's really not that good.
I'm addicted to my topping,
Now I'm skinny, like I should.

Grossness

I thought I was shocking,
I thought I was mean.
I thought my poetry was provoking,
Funny, in a way, it seemed,

However I came across something
More vile and gross
Kinda made throw up
In a sick pile of Glucose.

A new movie came out,
With Antonio Banderas
It's not about care bears
Its much, much more crass.


SERIOUSLY FOLKS! Nasty.