Sunday, October 31, 2010

Casey at the Bat

Casey was once at the bat,
And liked to hit the ball,
He was the best player there was,
He made other teams bawl.

One time he did strike out,
in a cloud of dust,
Thayer would write his story,
Of his huge disgust.

After that he got a job,
Working in a shop,
He started fixing cars,
With his old pop-pop.

One time he broke his leg,
Changing a simple tire,
His manager cried negligence,
And soon he got fired.

With no job he started crack,
Then became a dealer,
When he ran out of stuff,
He then became a stealer.

He got caught and thrown in jail,
And had a roommate who stabbed,
He was a wuss and couldn't defend,
He wished he didn't get nabbed.

He then died old, lame and blue,
Never returned to fame,
Imagine where he could have been,
But Thayer is the one to blame.

Paper Towel Dispenser Emergency Feed

My spleen and brain have ruptured
All the Walmart's have closed
Mutated alligators run rampant
And no one here has clothes

Nuclear bombs are coming in
All the aliens have landed
Everyone's food has been eaten
And Gilligan's pals are stranded.

What can we do, it all looks grim
We all want to be freed
Someone go into the bathroom,
And pull the emergency feed.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Haiku #5

I use nail clippers
For getting rid of nail excess
Hammers bang them in

Batteries, bubblegum & glue

Today is my birthday,
I got some presents too
My favorites included batteries, bubblegum and glue.

With the batteries I put them in
The TV remote control
The bubblegum I gave it to an acne ridden troll

The glue I kept myself
And locked inside m'room
I ate the whole bucket of it, even without a spoon.

Friday, October 29, 2010


If bad means good,
Then you're a stupid piece of loser juice
That needs to crawl in a hole a die.
Eat your spleen and acne pus
And rip your face off with chopsticks.
Throw yourself in the trashcan,
Staple yourself to the wall,
Jump inside a blender,
And eat razor blades till you explode.

I love you, honey .

Flat Rootbeer

I love rootbeer,
It is so yummy.
Give me that rootbeer over there
Thanks, now I'll drink it.
It doesn't have any fizzle,
Now I am ashamed.
My life has no meaning.
Dang it. Thanks for nothing.

The cubicle

I was sitting in a cubicle, talking on the phone.
I then started eating syrup, cause I was all alone.
Then something happened, it made my boss disgusted,
I fell back on my chair, the cubicle then was busted.

Eating kittens

My favorite food is kittens.
I love that they are so gamy.
I eat their heads, I eat their eyes
Sometimes I forget that some are alive.

Haiku #4

I drink water lots
I drank a gallon one day
It made me pee clear.

Spam (the email kind)

I went to my spam, and it asked if I wanted a job
It asked if I wanted a woman
and it asked if I needed a credit card.
It asked if I needed enhancement
food, help, or money
A guy in Nigeria owed me money

And my secret love wanted to meet me.
I have a job, I have a woman
And credit cards are stupid
Enhancement doesn’t work,
I have enough food, help, and washingtons
Nigeria is way too far away
And I have my wife… That’s not a secret.

The Walrus and the Carpenter

Once there was a walrus,
He needed to build a house.
He only had fat flippers
And a bad case of the gout
A carpenter came up to him
and asked if he could stay
The walrus said he had no house,
So the carpenter couldn’t play.
The carpenter then said something
That the walrus couldn’t believe
He said he could build a house
But because he was such a jerk he said he wouldn’t. (Also, he had no boards)

The Alphabet #1

A is for Author, the guy writing this poem
B is for Ben, the name of the author
C is for crappy, the style of this poem
D is for the grade I’d get if I turned this in at school
E is for Mrs Ellis, the teacher I turned this in to,
F is for the grade she almost gave me, but I cried and she had mercy
G is for glad, the feeling I felt after that happened
H is for happy, which is less than glad
I is for igloo, the house I never lived in
J is for ‘just joking’ I live in one last year
K is for klown, the way I used to spell it
L is for laugh, or what kids did when I spelled it wrong
M is for mistake, the thing I made when I spelled the real word wrong.
N is for ‘no this has nothing to do with what you’ve been talking about’
O is for ‘oh, I’m sorry, I’ll get back on track then’
P is for Poem, or the original thing we were talking about
Q is for quit, or what I’ll do after the z letter
R is for rhombus, cause I saw one today just before I turned in the poem
S is for soup, or what we were eating when I told my mom I got a D
T is for ticked off because my mom was that .
U is for ‘upstairs’ because that is where my room is that my mom told me to go to
V is for volume because my mom’s voice had that
W is for ‘why didn’t I just use ‘voice’ in the previous thing for ‘v”
X is for x-ray, because it always just is.
Y is for ‘you better stop writing this poem’
Z is for ‘zzz’ cause that is what you’re all saying, even though snoring sounds more like ‘kkkkkgoooh kkkkgggooooh’ which has no z’s in it.

Haiku #3

Please say no to drugs
They will harm you and kill you
Also, those are mine.

The cat named mittens

I had a cat named mittens
Last night it had a dozen kittens
I clapped my hands, I jumped for joy,
Then I winced my face,
Cause mittens is a boy.

Learn about grass

I went to my yard,
I started my lawnmower.
After a couple of minutes,
I started to cower.
A big fat dude,
with a suitcase in his hand,
came up to me,
and stabbed me in the face.

Going to sleep

I’m about to go to sleep,
I close my eyes . . . tired.
I go to bed . . . forgetting to open my eyes.
I hit my foot
I swear, I curse, I bleed.
I don’t clean it up.
I scare my wife, who thinks I got murdered.
I didn’t, I just bled a lot.
I still don’t clean it up.
We all get hepatitis.

Haiku # 2

Holy crap that smells
Get it out of my bathroom
It is a dwarf poo.

Haiku #1

Don’t smack the grandma
She will throw sticks at your face
But she has no arms.

Eating lots of stuff

I admit I like to eat spam
I admit I like to eat ham
I admit I like to eat turkey
I know it does sounds a little quirky.

I admit I like to dine on oats,
French fries apples and billy goats.
One time I ate a snail
It made me want to ride a whale.

Sometimes when I’m sad I eat
Pretzels crackers and shredded wheat.
Don’t judge me or I’ll eat you
Boil you up into my stew.

The hippo and the acorn

The hippo was a guy,
Who liked to go and dive,
He went in the river,
And had a large liver,
Like the acorn that gave people sty’s.

Living and Love

I’ll live.
Like a bird.
And a kite,
Love, is a tape dispenser.
Sticky, and sweet.
Love me, love the wind, love
Eternity is a basket.
Woven with age, effort, and wicker.
Stop believing, enter progression

What we do

This is a horrible blog. Basically what I do is . . . write bad poetry. For me, it is making fun of the literature, making fun of people that think they’re good, and welcome anyone to do the same. This isn’t just me. It’s everyone that wants to contribute.
I don’t know when I discovered my gift of horrible poetry, but I guess it started when I didn’t even try. All I did was sit on my keyboard and these gems came out. I thought it would be a good idea to share my love for laziness and procrastination with the world. After all, a regular guy once said:
Trying is for people,
who want to do their best,
Except when they don’t do well,
Their trying is then . . . not worth anything.