Bad Simile #1

He jumps like: A kid in school at a running contest, but halfway through he pulled his quad, and wanted to finish really bad, but he hurt too much. And the other kids were yelling at him to hurry up but he couldn't. Then, afterwards, he found out it wasn't his quad, but a bee stung him and he was allergic to bees and he didn't have his Epi-pen and so he cried, and peed his pants, but felt he should still finish the race to be a hero. He wasn't a hero, because just before the finish line, he fell.

Aliens and Bigfoot

Yesterday I met,
With Grzonack the alien.
He told me to watch out,
Because Bigfoot was behind him

I looked over there,
And Bigfoot looked mad
He came running after us
I knew it would be bad.

I asked him 'What's up?!'
He flailed, looking in fear
'Let's get out of here' he yelled
Just behind him: a hungry loch ness monster.

Double Haiku

If you want to listen to my trumpet

Stand up and blow in it- because that is how you make sound

Dang. People are running and dying now.

I want free Pizza

I like pizza,
So super much
If I would have to choose,
Don't have to kick me in the crotch

My favorite pizza
That I want for free
Is Little Ceasars for sure
They get my endoresement-y

How to diet

Let's face it today,
There are lots of fatties
They eat all the food
From all the skinnies.

From now on let's eat
Enough to get by
Give all the rest
To me....cause .....'mungry.

Why I love you

From Husband:
I love you for your cuteness
I love you for your bodyness
I love you for your funnyness
I love you for your motherness

From Wife:
I love you and your moneyness
I love you with your wrinkled-shirt-ness
I love you with your fart-in-bed-ness
And I love you with your can't-put-the-toilet-seat-down-ness

Vacation Poem

Your vacation is looming.
It starts in one week
The anticipation is killing,
But time going fast seems bleak

It seems like 47 years until the day,
And from work, you've checked out
All you can think about is leaving
Watching Carrot Top, not grout.

It has finally arrived,
You leave car packed high,
You drive for 3425 hours,
The casinos, fill the sky.

You get drunk and gamble,
You lose all your money the first day.
You cry and go back to sleep
And think of tomorrow, what to play.

Once nothing has worked,
And all your money did not last
It seems like 61 seconds have left,
And vacation went by way too fast.

Simile Poem

He flies like a plane
She flies like a bird
It flies like a fly
We fly like a turd.

They eat like race car drivers
I eat like lobsters
We eat like cake eaters
You eat like mobsters

Yo smell like summer
Ustedes smell like canned fruit
Tu smell like lobsters
Nosotros smell like boots.

They stir like Japanese
I stir like my crew
You stir like happiness
We stir like hulahoops.

I run like you,
You run like them
They run like us,
We run like fat guys.

Repeat

I do know Pete

Don't ask to repeat. 

I shall do it only once

Next time just say 'what?'

(because to ask: 'Please sir, would you be so kind to repeat what you said' is stupider than, 'what?')

(Also, explaining jokes and poems is lame. I'll only do it a few more times..... maybe 10. Or more. Or less, but it will definitely be a number of times.)

I have a cell phone

I'm looking around my desk
I have a cell phone there
Sometimes I use it, At times I lose it,
But it always has a glare.

One time I called my mother
She asked me who it was.
I told her who, But she didn't knew
It was a butt dial while on the loo.

Singing songs of joy and digestion

Oooooooh! I sing a song
Laaaaaaaa! I'm singing it proud
Dooooooo! I lure you in with my subtlety
Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Now you are in my trap

'This is the soooong that never eeeends'
Now you slowly die of insanity.

Itchy But . . .

I am itchy but . . .

I kinda am a nut.

I'm stuck here in this rut, 

Otherwise known as a butt. 

Listening to music

I am listening to music,
It has sad lyrics for sure.
I think I'll change the song, though
Because it's melody cannot lure.

Actually, I think I'm happy
I'll change to a song with this
I just want to dance and sing once
Cause I'm in a state of bliss

WHO ATE MY CHEETOS?!
Oh, man, I'm super angry now
Let me listen to some Satan Death Punk
So I can burn those that eat muh cheetoes!

Oh wait, here it is. Fell in my belly button.

Spanksgiving day Poem

It's now time to think Thanksgiving,
The best time of year
We drink a lot of turkey juice
And eat a lot of beer

We gather round the table,
And say for what, we have thanks
I said I liked my new pets,
Which were 5 giant snakes

When my mom found out I had them,
She crazied-out, unforgiving,
I'll never forget that year,
I had my first 3-hour Spanksgiving

Spiders and Webs

I am a spider today
I spin webs, get bugs, and sit.
As a spider today,
That's all I do...

Kinda of a sucky life
Now that I think of it
Just do three things
Wait, four, I die too.

In 5 minutes time

In exactly 5 minutes,
The workday is done.
I'll clock out of here,
And head all the way home

I'll watch a TV show,
I'll perhaps eat some snow,
I'll go to bed soon,
And to it all again.

But then the world exploded.

The worst Halloween Poem ever

Halloween Spalloween
You think you're so scary

Halloween Schmaloween
You're actually quite contrary

Halloween Galloween
With death and gore you're obsessed

Halloween Blaggosmickerweeen
But you also dress up as a princess?

Why fishing sucks so bad.

This poem has been submitted ala Chris Hupp: 


I like fish

It tastes gross
It smells gross
It looks gross

I don't like fish, but fishing is fun

Babies

Babies have diapers,
they have faces,
and stare.


Babies don't know things,
like math, geography,
or Cher

Ding!
My alarm goes off

Ring!
My buddy is calling me

Cha Ching!
He wants money.

Sting!
I put him down for being poor

Bling!
I shine him my gold chain

Cling!
He does to me because he's lonely

Budum Ching!
It's a joke--I don't have gold chains ....... or money .........or friends

Two things at once

Try to focus,
Try all you can
When you do two things at once, my friend
Occasionally you make Spam.

I tried one time to write and sing
To light and swing, but my arm it stings.

Another time I tried to jump
I fell on my rump, right on a stump

Twice I ran, kicked a man,
He shot my mam, and now I'm remorseful about that.

The Worst Poem Ever

Hurry and run

It's a big dog

Go really fast

Wait, it's a pig. 

Hamburgers

I love to eat hamburgers,
Not the kind you think.
I enjoy most with buns,
ketchup, and meat.

'Well duh' You're thinking,
There is no other kinds
That is actually true.
Sorry for the confusion.

Haiku #17

Do you like rap songs?
I did once, but then I found
Presents needed wrap.

Cereal is AWESOME

Coco Crisp, Honeycomb and Cap'n crunch
The best things to happen since lunch

Fiber, Bran and Wheatabix,
Shoot me in the face to bits.

Gimme the stuff with marshmallows
To avoid all the he**noes.