Motivation

I really want to win this race
I trained for 5 minutes a day
I'm sure I can run real fast
I hope to win first place

The trick I used to train real hard
Was not to eat a log,
But to have something chase me fast
A rabid, on-fire, dog.

Writing on stuff

I have a dry erase marker
It smells really strong
I don't know how to write with it
And I'm totally erasing wrong

I spit on it and squirted it
To blot my mistake out.
I didn't know it was dry erase
Now my life is in doubt.

My Philosophies #1

If you're ever asked to eat something
-Make sure it's not poison
 -Unless you already did and are okay with it

If you're ever told to jump off a cliff
 -Make sure you're not by one
  -Unless the person that told you to do so deserves a shove

If you're ever asked to apologize

 -Make sure it was something bad

  -Unless you get paid for taking the rap for someone. And it's enough to get a TV from it. 

If you ever are asked to babysit
 -Make sure they pay you a fair share
  -Unless you can get more from the sale of the baby

Forgiveness

I'm sorry I threw the refrigerator out,
And threw some dog guts at the spout.

Sorry I arranged a marriage for Spock
Changed a tire, but took out the shocks.

Sorry I blamed global warming on your Dad,
Cut down a tree with a fish, that was real bad.

Sorry I frisbee-d your fine china in France
I wanted to win a bet, I took a bad chance

I sniffed some markers, till I got high
Went to church naked, and slapped someone's thigh.

I also broke wind, in my job interview
He coughed and choked, on his own spew.

I try really hard, this weekend wasn't bliss
Even though I'll do it again, I need your forgiveness.

The World and Outer Space

Many people think,
That they are not an astronaut
That they cannot go to space
And from above see the human race

Hello, the Earth is in Space already,
Just go outside and look up
It's a giant window out the side
So hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.

How to Waste Money

Wasting money is not hard
So put down your guard
Making your money charred
Is buying with a credit card.

How to Waste Time

You can waste time
You don't have to rhyme
It doesn't cost a dime
Just go and ring a chime
Do it all the time
Until you're arrested for a crime

Lost in the forest

I am lost amongst the trees
I can't see a thing.
The sun is not shining
My ears have a ring

I don't know where I am
I'll walk till I do
I feel like I'm going in circles
I yell for my friend Stu.

It's getting old now,
I really need a map.
I find one on my rear,
It says: "You are Here" ------->