Motivation

I really want to win this race
I trained for 5 minutes a day
I'm sure I can run real fast
I hope to win first place

The trick I used to train real hard
Was not to eat a log,
But to have something chase me fast
A rabid, on-fire, dog.

Writing on stuff

I have a dry erase marker
It smells really strong
I don't know how to write with it
And I'm totally erasing wrong

I spit on it and squirted it
To blot my mistake out.
I didn't know it was dry erase
Now my life is in doubt.

My Philosophies #1

If you're ever asked to eat something
-Make sure it's not poison
 -Unless you already did and are okay with it

If you're ever told to jump off a cliff
 -Make sure you're not by one
  -Unless the person that told you to do so deserves a shove

If you're ever asked to apologize

 -Make sure it was something bad

  -Unless you get paid for taking the rap for someone. And it's enough to get a TV from it. 

If you ever are asked to babysit
 -Make sure they pay you a fair share
  -Unless you can get more from the sale of the baby

Forgiveness

I'm sorry I threw the refrigerator out,
And threw some dog guts at the spout.

Sorry I arranged a marriage for Spock
Changed a tire, but took out the shocks.

Sorry I blamed global warming on your Dad,
Cut down a tree with a fish, that was real bad.

Sorry I frisbee-d your fine china in France
I wanted to win a bet, I took a bad chance

I sniffed some markers, till I got high
Went to church naked, and slapped someone's thigh.

I also broke wind, in my job interview
He coughed and choked, on his own spew.

I try really hard, this weekend wasn't bliss
Even though I'll do it again, I need your forgiveness.

The World and Outer Space

Many people think,
That they are not an astronaut
That they cannot go to space
And from above see the human race

Hello, the Earth is in Space already,
Just go outside and look up
It's a giant window out the side
So hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.

How to Waste Money

Wasting money is not hard
So put down your guard
Making your money charred
Is buying with a credit card.

How to Waste Time

You can waste time
You don't have to rhyme
It doesn't cost a dime
Just go and ring a chime
Do it all the time
Until you're arrested for a crime

Lost in the forest

I am lost amongst the trees
I can't see a thing.
The sun is not shining
My ears have a ring

I don't know where I am
I'll walk till I do
I feel like I'm going in circles
I yell for my friend Stu.

It's getting old now,
I really need a map.
I find one on my rear,
It says: "You are Here" ------->

Raisin Bran

I had some Raisin Bran today
I loved it and ate it off a tray

I ate 2 boxes in one sitting
I know my story is so gripping

When I came home, I had a fright
I had some issues the whole night

Help me with that song

All day I've been thinking, singing to myself.
Over and over again, the tune in my brain's shelf

I can't think of the title, it's on the tip of my tongue
It goes tweedle do diddle, whistle fo fum

Do dee dee doo do, blah wee tra la la
Doo dee de doo do, hum hum ho froola.

Seriously it's driving me nuts, I can't remember how,
The song starts with words, I can remember them now

In the middle there's some words, I think one of them's 'chair'
Or was it 'hair' or 'glare', or maybe they say 'ham-stare'

Probably not, though, cause that's not a word
It's close to 'hamster', but I doubt that's what's heard

I guess I'll keep singing, I'm taken quite aback
I hate when songs get stuck, like an itch in the middle of the back.

Writing Poetry With My Head #1

Emotion: Bored. Medium: Forehead.

trfuybhjklomijluyhijnbhj m vcbb gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfv gbfvuynhjmkikikikikikikikikinhybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybybmi,k.l,klmj nbhj dcfxvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvcfgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggguyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhuyhgbv fjkmui,,klmg cfvdfdcv                                                                                          gbgbgbgbgbgbgbgbcbbbbbbbb nhjmgfvcnhjmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,ktyhg66666666666667ujinnm

Birthdays

I wish I was like everyone else
Having regular birthdays for all to cheer
It turns out I'm only seven and a half
Cause I was born on the leap year.

Haiku #13

Snuffleupagus
Irresponsibility
Cannibalism

Peanut Butter

I love peanut butter more than life.
I wanted to marry it for my wife
Skippy, Jif, or Peter Pan,
I eat it with a marzipan.

I ate it one time, without any guilt
I ate it one time, while standing on stilts.
One time I used it, for gasoline
It didn't work, I tried to go green.

It ruined my car, it broke it real good
It'll be really expensive, to fix under the hood.
Turns out I hate the stuff, I won't care anymore
Peanut butter sucks. I get Nutella at the store.

Haiku #12

I lack a journal
Dunno why I'd have one, though
No one reads them, duh

Up really late

It's late at night
I am still awake
I don't want to sleep yet
I just got a break.

If I drink a lot of water
I'll have to pee real bad
This is nature's alarm clock
I won't want to get out of bed

Seriously still awake
Staying up will be a blast.
I don't want this time to fly
It's the friggin weekend, at last.

Why I like foil

Tin foil is great
It keeps my candy dry
It keeps my food fresh
It keeps my teeth tingly.

Tin foil is great
It keeps aliens away
It keeps bigfoot blind
It keeps Nessie at bay

Tin foil is best
For things you don't know
Like wearing for a shirt
Or scuba gear.

I Lost My Afrin

Afrin is great
It works really well
Within a few minutes
I finally can smell

My nose right now is stuffed
I think I might die
That would be bad, though
Cause my wife will cry.

Someone find my Afrin
I have a cold, 3 days old
Someone find my Afrin
Because I don't have $4.15 to go to the store and get another pack.

A House of Cards

I made a house of cards last month
The purpose was to dwell
I don't know what people's problem is
Their fears I cannot quell.

They say it will fall down and kill me
I don't think they have any clue.
It won't fall down and kill me none
Cause duh-- I used glue.

Haiku # 11

I believe in stuff
Like Bigfoot and Aliens
But not the fake kind.

Singing songs

It's nice to sing songs
Songs bring happiness
Happiness bring smiles
Smiles bring tears
Tears bring tissues
Tissues bring trash
Trash brings incinerators
Incinerators bring smog
Smog brings cancer

Songs cause cancer.

Musings on a Piano

I have a piano,
I play it as a treat.
I have played one song since I was eight,
The song, is never complete.

I eat while I'm playing
I sleep tapping keys
The seat is a toilet
My schooling is on 'freeze'

I've played the same song
Every second of my life
I don't think I'll ever end
Even if I don't get a wife

When I started playing
I had lots of friends.
Until I started to play on the piano:
"This is the song that never ends"

Bad metaphor #1

She dances like --- a child desperate to relieve itself after playing hide and seek for an hour, but started having to go right as she hid behind the washing machine, but wanted to win so she didn't move, but she didn't win because she was the second-to-last person to be found, so it  wouldn't have mattered that she just quit that round.

Alphabet #3

A is for Arithmetic,
B is for Body Building
C is for Crafts and
D is for Dominoes.
E is for Exercise
F is for Fluid Dynamics
G is for Geology
H is for Hellenic history.
I is for igloo construction
J is for Juxtapositioning.
K is for kick boxing
L is for lumbar supporting
M is for metric system
N is for Napping during a living room fight
O is for opening a can of soda in space
P is for peering through a muddy telescope
Q is for questioning the authority of an astrophysicist that also is good at water polo.
R is for resisting arrest for unauthorized velcro wearing when the cops wear the opposite velcro attachment on their hands
S is for steering away from elephants in a snowstorm.
T is for trusting satanic cults
U is for unveiling the secrets of the universe
V is for vacationing on the moon and also Albania in the same week
W is for waiting for the cows to come home on the back of flying pigs
X is for x-raying a broken coccyx without laughing
Y is for yodeling naked in a loincloth and eating Saltines
Z is for zeroing in on what this list is all about......

Yes, my friends, it is a list of things I personally find hard to do.

Holy moly, rolly polly

HOLY MOLY!
Look at the rolly polly!
Golly wolly,
It just ate the trolly!

Runny away-y
Faster than me-ee
I'm the next meal e see,
G'bye muh world-y!