Customer Service

We pretend we like you,
We pretend we care.
When you are mean,
You get nowhere.

When we call in
You demand a wish
No wonder we're mad
You speak no English

Both sides hate life,
Both sides are nervous
No one wins
Trying to give Customer Service

Haiku #16

Ever want a wife?
But you are fat and smelly?
Too bad I got her!

The horse and the Spy

A horse and a spy,
Were actually quite spry.

The horse was a nematode
The spy was a regular toad.

The horse's life was grim
Cause the Spy ate him.

Toads eat nematodes*

*This has not been evaluated by the FDA.

The deeper meaning of life

I love it when you look that way'

I love it when you take away

I love it when you give me hay,

Cause we're horses here to stay.

This isn't a love poem

This isn't a love poem,
This isn't a hate one either
This is a poem of nothing
So sit and take a breather.

I wonder

I wonder why we live, why we die, why we eat.

I wonder who we are, who we marry, what we ate.

I wonder how we live, how we lived and how we poke

I wonder why on this cinnamon roll, I did choke.

*cough,
*die
*stick out tongue
*gurgle
*put x's on eyes
*get embalmed
*have funeral
*jump up because of some nerve misfires
*scare grandma
*she dies
*sticks out tongue
*gurgles
*gets embalmed
*just has a normal funeral
*everyone eats potatoes
*no one chokes
*story ends.

Sharing, Sharing

As kids we learned,
That sharing was fun
We gave and were praised
Especially by nuns.

As we got older we learned
To ask kids to share
When we did we were praised
As good parents for sure.

The truth it it sucks
Sharing leaves us in duress
It's not nice to do
If I now have less

Funny Poetry

I'm sure poems exist
That make one laugh real hard

I'm sure jokes exist,
That make sensitives cry

I'm sure there's a solution
To everyone's problems

If laughter is the best medicine,
Then I overdosed.

One bottle of pop

One bottle of pop
Two bottles of pop
Three bottles of pop
You're getting fat.

Five bottles of pop
Six bottles of pop
Seven bottles of pop
You popped.

WHAT IS THIS?!

I came home today, to find the house all clean
WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!

I left work today, so see I got paid
WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?!

I went to Wendy's to get a Frosty
WHY DID YOU GIVE ME TWO??!

I went to anger management
I FOUND OUT I YELL FOR STUPID REASONS!

One Dollar

There are a lot of things I can do
For one dollar

There are a lot of things I won't do
For one dollar.

I would write a poem
Sit on a throne
Eat an ice cream cone
Give you a loan
-For one dollar

I won't eat a salad
Write a ballad
Have a fine palate
Raise shallots
-For one dollar

Pizza is delicious.

I ordered a pizza today,
I thought it was quite yummy,
So yummy in fact,
I bought another for my tummy

The second one's gone,
It is quite delish,
I think I'll get a third,
And put in on my dish

The third one is just as great
It is all over my face.
Perhaps four isn't enough,
I'll buy my own pizza place.

I eat every pizza that comes,
I have made no money.
Until a TV guy came in
And thought the sight was quite funny

He gave me millions of dollars
To show how I can eat.
Man v Food guy,
Every time, you, I will beat.

Turns out I put crack in my pizza
And it's really not that good.
I'm addicted to my topping,
Now I'm skinny, like I should.

Grossness

I thought I was shocking,
I thought I was mean.
I thought my poetry was provoking,
Funny, in a way, it seemed,

However I came across something
More vile and gross
Kinda made throw up
In a sick pile of Glucose.

A new movie came out,
With Antonio Banderas
It's not about care bears
Its much, much more crass.


SERIOUSLY FOLKS! Nasty.

The internet

There are lots of things on the internet
Like jokes, and scores, and corn

Don't dabble to much on the internet
You'll find bad stuff, like generic sunglasses.

Gumbo

I got this bowl of goo today
I didn't know what it was.
I tried to replicate the recipe,
To make this bowl of scuzz.

I tried lots of combinations
The recipe I now know
Blend two parts baby giraffe
And 1 part small Disney elephant.

THAT (funny?) guy.

Every knows that guy
Who tries to be funny
He tries to tell jokes all day
While we are playing Rummy

None of us laugh,
It's really uncomfortable
He doesn't seem to get it
He needs to shut up with no trouble.

He seems to get it now
but still goes on trying.
It's getting to the 'sad' stage now
He's a loser, I'm not lying.

I like to think of myself,
The guy that knows when to stop.
Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable,
...... I'll just stop now. I can't think of a good punchline.

Post-it notes

Post-it notes are handy.
I write a lot of stuff on them
To remind me what I need to do, to learn, to implement, to study.

Post-it notes are colorful
So many personalities
They are funny, sticky, happy, and useful.

Post-it notes are tasty.
I put them in my tiramisu.
I saw that word on the Food network, thought I'd use it in a poem.

Watching TV

I watched TV for an hour today,
Not sure what I saw.
I think I laughed a couple of times
Saw a commercial for a bra.

The rest is all a blur for me
It's now a quarter to 10.
Not much brain activity goes on
Watching Two and a Half Men.

Birthdays

I just had a birthday,
I turned one-hundred and eight.
I blew out a 12th of the candles,
A morsel of of cake, I ate.

How many more of these birthdays
Am I going to have already!
I'm one-hundred and EIGHT for sure
I've wanted to go since Eighty!

Making Delicious Food

There are many things I like,
Like flowers, newborns and fudge
Mixing them all up together
Tastes like rancid acne-juice sludge.

Religion poem

Some people believe in God,
Some people believe in Dogs.
Some people want to be saved
Some people to have no grave

Some people think about things
Some people in Heaven want wings
Some people want to cross a bridge
Some people in Hell want a fridge

Most people worship TVs
Most people save Reece's
Most people don't know
That I like to throw snow.

The End.

Haiku #15

Hooray for Swingsets
They are really fun to me
Except I'm 30.

Alphabet #3

A is for 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' Or the sound I made when I jumped out of the airplane
B is for 'Bowels,' or what released once I found out my parachute didn't work
C is for 'crap' or what I said and released on the way down.
D is for 'dream' or what I wished I had, but I didn't wake up with the falling feeling
E is for 'earth' or what is coming up quickly.
F is for the 'F' word, or what I was wanting to say but didn't because that wouldn't have been a nice last word to say.
G is for 'God' or whom I might meet soon
H is for 'height of 18,000 feet' or the amount of space I have to think about what to do
I is for 'idea' cause now I have one
J is for 'jacket' or what I'm about to take off
K is for 'kite' or what I might want to make the jacket into to make it so I don't fall so fast
L is for 'little' for the amount of time I have.
M is for 'Monkey' or what I looked like trying to take of the jacket
N is for 'Now I have it! I'll just aim for the mashed potato mountain!!'
O is for 'One mile away' or how far  it was from me at this point
P is for 'pavement, or what I hit instead'
Q is for 'quickly' or how long it took me to not live anymore.
R is for 'really no point in continuing, you know the end of the story. It didn't work. The mashed potato mountain was actually a low-lying cloud.'

What's wrong with people?!

I walk into a room,
And everybody screams
I then go to the store,
People shun me, it seems

I called my neighbor,
to see what's the matter.
She quickly jumped from the window
And on the ground, she did splatter

Depressed, I went back home
And took a look in the mirror.
I had a huge zit on my face,
I then died, from the terror.

April's Fool

I walked out side my house today,
And was hit by a cream pie
I went to work with a nice suit,
It got ruined with tie-dye.

I ate lunch with four buddies
2 of them changed religion
That's not so bad itself,
But they threw me in a dungeon.

Just before I clock out,
My manager says to me
You're getting kinda fat for this,
Clean out your desk and leave

On my way home today
I went to binge on fast food
I ordered my food and paid,
And found out my wife's a dude.

I wasn't feeling very good
About this day at all
stupid April, stupid fools,
revenge will come - in the fall.